It is not easy to build a great relationship. A lot of things need to go right and a lot of effort is needed. Here are some rules that help guide me through my relationship.
Don’t try to be right
Everyone has unique perspectives and that makes right and wrong complicated. Some people are never wrong and you should definitely avoid those people!
We may think our significant other is wrong and that we are right. That doesn’t matter. What matters is understanding each other. Two people can understand each other even with conflicting views. Thinking about right and wrong can only get in the way of understanding.
Conceptualize the relationship as a third party
You exist, your significant other exists, and the relationship exists. These are three separate and distinct entities that interact.
If someone says “the relationship isn’t working for me right now” that is not a personal critique. The relationship is separate from either one of you.
Don’t sweep issues under the rug
When relationship issues appear they need to be dealt with quickly. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to deal with them.
Both people should feel like they are putting in more than 50% effort
This rule came from my girlfriend. It is harder to be with someone than be by yourself. So even when it seems like the two of you should split the effort and come out ahead, it does not always work out that way.
More than 100% effort is needed to make a relationship work, so if both people are putting in 50%, that is actually too little!
Accept the ups and downs
Things will sometimes be bad even when you are doing everything right. Don’t rush into changes. Wait a little bit and see if things get better naturally. Make sure there is a problem before attempting any fixes.
When things are not going well, the relationship will shrink. It will become a more limited part of your life because other things are taking up its space. Don’t worry about it, just make sure that the relationship regrows once that space is once again available.
Use physical touch to improve communication
Often you want to communicate two things at the same time. “I care about you a lot, and there is a problem in the relationship”. One way to do this is to use physical touch to communicate “I care about you a lot” and to use vocalization to communicate “there is a problem in the relationship”. Sit in your partner’s lap, hold their hand, or just sit touching them while talking about difficult problems.
What do you mean by 50% effort?
Thanks for the question Aoi! I did update my article to try to make it clearer, but here is an example: Say you want to split making dinner with your significant other. If you each do half the work, it should be easier for both of you, right? But the reality is that it ends up with both people feeling like they put in 60% effort. And that is how it should be! Does that make sense?